Friday, 18 February 2011

I'm wide awake, it's morning

Today makes it 50 days since I last SI'ed

That seems like a really long time and like 'a big deal' but I end up in a huge fucking state when I think like that because seriously, where's the fucking news? Why should you feel pleased with yourself for not doing something that the majority of the population don't even think about doing in the first place.

Anyway, I got my new counsellor and time through for LRC and went this afternoon. It was alright, she seems nice enough because to be honest I really didn’t like the one I was seeing before because she was always bloody pushing me into 'talking about what happened' when I was halfway through talking about something else (and I don't mean something random and off-topic but just about how that week had been) I know that it’s probably way off target but I got the feeling that she was after really graphic details and going over the past which I guess is fair enough, but I only met her three times...

I’ve been finding it really hard to physically talk when I’m anxious, like when you’re drunk and think you’re saying things right but you’re not, everything I say just sounds wrong, and then I get stressed out because I don’t want people to think that I’m stupid and inarticulate, and then I forget what the Hell I wanted to say in the first place.

My flatmate’s still around but I hadn't had that much contact with her until yesterday when I was sick in bed all day with some kind of bug... she kept offering to go to the shop to buy food for me or to cook and I know that she was just being nice and kind, I do genuinely do know that, but for the slightest second I thought ‘she’s just trying to make me eat so she can watch while she doesn’t’ which is so fucked up and wrong and since then I’ve been really weepy and shaky, bursting into tears randomly, because I hate myself so much for even thinking like that, even if it's just for a second, it's too much…


I'm just so sick of it. You get past a point where it stops being 'romantic', where it stops being some rose-tinted page of your past that you're desperate to get back, it just becomes old.

I am too old.

Since I was eight years old I wanted to be thin. I thought that if I lost weight then everything else would be perfect because it was being fat that was holding me back. Ten years after that I very nearly and literally starved myself to death because the thought of gaining weight, fuck it, just the thought of eating was so terrifying that I didn't really care if I died, I would rather be empty and dead, or thin and dead, than full, or fat, and alive. Being fat, gaining weight, eating, meant that the entire fucking universe would collapse, the world would stop...

Here I am, five long years later, and I've gained weight, I eat, I am (horror of all horrors) 'bigger than I need to be'.

Here I am because THE WORLD DID NOT STOP.

The only thing that makes the world stop is your eating disorder, or at least it makes your world stop.

You can't simplify the world, your life, your problems into 'food' and 'weight' and block out everything else, and even if you could, why would you want to? Life is so much more than that, so much more madder, and scarier, and happier, and sadder, and more COLOURFUL than that.

Life with an ED is a bit like when you take a photo of something without the memory, you're there but you're not really there, because you're behind the camera and afterwards you can look back on it and tell yourself you were there, but it's not going to be the same as actually, physically, being there. You can look back on your ED, like a photograph and kid yourself that you were there but you weren't... Photos only work when you have the memory to go with them.

Which basically comes round to it being National Eating Disorder Awareness Week...

I don't really believe in that many things, I'm a pretty ambivalent creature about almost everything, but I do 100% believe in this.

I'm definately not perfect, or on some kind of crusade to make everything better. I'm not saying that I'm particularly eloquent and articulate and able to offer huge, inspirational insights, because trust me, I'm not and I can't. To be fair, I'm even that great at 'being recovered' some days...

But I do know that the world doesn't stop just because you eat.


I don't know what I'll be talking about/doing over the next week but I'll do updates on here and tumblr - to be honest it probably won't be anything impressive but I just want to do my little bit

1 comment:

  1. It is a big deal and you should be VERY proud :)
    And great words on life beyond an eating disorder :)