Friday, 13 May 2011

Driving fast thorugh a big city at night

I've been going to rape crisis for about five months now and I'm getting nowhere. It's like there's a massive gap between what's in my head and what actually comes out. I want to talk but I just can't seem to do it.

I'm so fustrated at myself. I feel like I'm wasting their time and energy and that I should just stop going.

I'm already feeling 'the summer', that stuff with his kid and social services investigation is still on my mind a lot, I can't shake off the guilt or the feeling that I am somehow responsible. There's a lot of anxiety bubbling away constantly and the slightest thing can make it blow up into a panic attack, especially seeing police around or not being able to look the door or someone acting a litle bit suspicoius or looking at me, although I know all that is more likely to be in my head than it actually happening but it doesn't make it feel any less unsafe. I've become increasingly obbsessive, counting and checking, convinced that if I do something wrong or in the wrong way that something awful will happen.

Dissociation is a big problem, losing track of time and the difference between reality and dreams. I have this persistant intrusive thought that my whole life is just a movie or a dream that is going to end or that I'm going to wake up from. I keep trying to talk myself out of it but it just want go away.

Things have been good for quite a while now, at least on the surface, but I have this huge fear that it's just a calm before a storm and that it's all going to crash around me when I least expect it, that I won't be able to cope with the memories without drinking or self-harming.

I feel like I'm failing at it all, or that I don't deserve this help, and that really I'm a liar and it's all been made up inside my head to excuse the fact that I am poison.

I feel weak for letting it bother me and for not just getting over it, feeling that I should be hard enough and cold enough for it not to effect me.

I'm not sure any of this makes sense...

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