If you're going through Hell, keep going

A part of me wants to throw away my health and sanity.

It's overwhelming and I'm scared of the things that will be expected of me, once I finish DBT and go back to university.

I could so easily self-sabotage right now. I’m craving some kind of destruction. To cut or burn or drink or overdose. To know where I stand. Safety. Security. No pressure. No expectation. No worries. No fears.

I am scared of being healthy and sane and better.

I am scared of life without disorder.

Yet, still, things are not okay, I can't forget the past, it's inside of me, rotten, diseased, no-one will ever want me, nightmares, memories, thoughts, seeing things and being scared and anxious and the panic that catches in my throat.

I am not okay but I am.

I don't cut, I don't drink, I don't overdose, I take my meds, I got to DBT, I go to rape counselling, I fight and I fight and I fight.

But it is too much.

Being okay is too much.

The fight it just too much.