Saturday, 28 May 2011

That she had so completely recovered her sanity was a source of sadness to her

I've been feeling really shitty the last couple of days, that twat of a doctor has really rocked the boat. I feel so pathetic for not being able to 'get over it and move on' and then I had crisis counselling a few hours after the appointment and it was so hard and we ended up sitting in complete silence for half of it, she was just sitting there and the clocks were so loud I thought I was going to have to bolt from the room. I don't know if she was waiting for me to talk or something but I just felt so damn awkward and uncomfortable.

I'm feeling a bit impulsive, like I could go on an epic binge or get really drunk or take a handful of pills. I just feel... bad. I think I'm scared of the place I'm in, of being so much better, but at the same time I still feel rotten inside. I still feel like a bad person. Like I deserved to be hurt and get hurt again. When I hear stories in the news of other people being assaulted I just wish it was me because I'm so worthless.

There is so much anxiety and panic over everything, I feel on edge all the time, hyperalert, too much noise bothers me, things don't feel real, ropes in the wallks and black dust from the ceiling, weak and dirty and poisoned.

Right now, I'm really tired of fighting.

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