Sunday, 4 September 2011


I am really, really feeling in a bad way right now.

I don't think I should carry on with counselling. I don't think that I have the right to hurt over things that were essentially all my own fault. I don't think that I have the right to think of myself as anything but a filthy slut.

I am trying to calm down. To relax. To distract. I got out my DBT stuff earlier I was feeling that bad and desperate. I can't put it into practise right now. It just feels impossible. I feel impossible. I want a hug but I don't want to be touched. I want to be told that it's not my fault but I want to believe that it is and that I deserved it. I don't know which is harder, blaming myself and the complete hatred and disgust that comes with it, or thinking that maybe it wasn't my fault and that it is okay for me to be hurting and talking about it. I would give anything to be told that I am okay and safe and not to blame, but at the same time it's the last thing I want to hear.

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