Friday, 2 September 2011

You speak an infinite deal of nothing

I told my counseller everything about the rapes.

I feel scared and vulnerable, shaking a lot, I don't know what to do with myself now, I'm shocked at how much I said, I feel like there is nothing left to say, I've said it all, so should I even go back? I don't think I can cope with these emotions and memories now that I've shared them, it feels better but so much worse at the same time, that doesn't make any sense...

My consultant wasn't even there so I saw someone else who gave me a couple of Diazepam for 'emergencies' and reckons I should have a CPA meeting at some point. The thing is I will never see him again so I'm not sure if it will happen. The new consultant should have started by next appointment coz it's in eight weeks and apparantly she's a woman which I am really hoping is true. I can stay on all my meds until then, and then I'll see what happens... If they keep working then I hope that'll be enough, and if they don't work then I won't want to keep taking them anyway. I don't like taking so many meds, but it does help and being off them was horrible. I need to feel a lot stronger before I can go off them and with uni starting I don't want to risk anything. I just want things to stay level and get some kind of therapy involved.

I feel positive and in control, yet at the same time completely open and raw.

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