Friday, 23 September 2011

You can't take the sky from me

I still get so upset when I read negaitve BPD related articles/comments/conversations, and that just makes me feel more of a useless, hideous piece of shit. I get angry, I get sad, I get defensive, I'm tired of it. Why do I fight it? Because a part of me sees through the bullshit, believes that having this condition doesn't make me a worthless, terrible human being, believes that I am more than a bunch of 'character traits' and 'self-destructive and impulsive' behaviours.

I am more than that. Dear God, I am desperate to be more than that.

Anyway, I've moved back to Leicester... I'm not convinced that I like it, scared of having flatmates I don't know, paranoid, anxious, same old shit. Scared of going back to studying, scared my brain's rotted, that I'm not up to it. I know that it's completely normal though so I'm not letting it get to me as much as I would if it was out of context. I am scared, but that's okay, right?

Generely though, I'm feeling a bit better. I haven't self-harmed at all in 6 days which I know isn't very much but it still feels like a big deal to me, and I'm going to throw out my lighter and blades, and I'm going to the nurse every day to get my burns treated.

The meds have all kicked in again which means everything's a little (okay, quite a lot) less chaotic.

I've been thinking a lot about my last counselling session and how talking about it doesn't seem so terrible now, I feel more comfortable, less like my skin is crawling... It's taken 6 months to get to this point and now I have one session left. I don't know what I'll do after that. Go back to never talking about it. Not thinking about it. What do I do next?

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