Sunday, 2 October 2011



My handover is a week on Wednesday and I should be getting referred to the personality disorder services, although I'm not convinced that's what I really want but I guess I should give it a shot if I can, and I have two sessions left at rape crisis. I don't know how I feel about it, the last couple of weeks I've really opened up, talked, it's been hard and painful but afterwards I've left feeling so much better, less like my skin is crawling, I haven't had 'bugs' in a few weeks now, which considering they got so bad is really positive. My main concern is that once it's over I'm going to go back to pretending it never happened, and then having flashbacks and nightmares because I'm keeping everything inside. What do I do next? Do I talk about it? Do I forget about it? Does the end of counselling mean that I'm 'over it'...

My GP has also taken up monitoring my medication, she's fantastic, I really like her, and I get to meet the new psych who's female (thank God!) which should be interesting. I'm on a lot of meds but they do seem to be working, like I'm not feeling great about everything but when I take uni out of the equaion I feel a lot better than I've done since before summer. The 'heatwave' has been really triggering so I hope it stops soon... If I stop taking them I feel truly dreadful, suicidal and buggy and constantly anxious and unstable and impulsive, when I was IP they took me off Haldol and Seroxat and I felt worse then I did before I went in. Don't get me wrong, I don't 'like' being so medicated, but I'd rather be medicated and stable than all over the place, especially now uni is starting, I don't really want to start changing things around...

I've been going home quite often to get some space, I'm really not comfortable living at uni, I feel isolated and paranoid and threatened and out of place and weird and sad and lonely and scared.

I've slipped back into binging and purging, and I've been head banging and biting myself and pulling my hair out, I'm not sure what it's about, I just feel overwhelmed and out of control. I hate pulling my hair out, I love my hair, it's not what I want to get into the habit of doing. I haven't 'properly' (burnt or cut) SI'ed in two weeks which is also positive, even if it's not perfect.

I'm also feeling my weight, I hate being obese, I just want to lose four stone and be healthy again, that's how much I have to lose to get my BMI back to <25. Starting today I'm trying to eat healthily, three meals and two snacks, and avoid food that trigger binging. I'm also hoping to join the swimming society, they train twice a week and that seems like a reasonable and safe amount of exercise and a way to meet new people and socialise. I'm really self-consious of my weight and my scars, I'm scared that people will be laughing at me because I'm obese, and thinking I'm a freak because of my scars. I'e been asked by two different people what happened to my arm in the last couple of days and it's made me more aware of it. The thing is I don't think that they're that bad, other people have ten times more scars than I do, my SI is pathetic and superficial compared to other peoples, it's such a fucking stupid headfuck.

1 comment:

  1. Our struggles cannot be compared.
    They are what they are to each of us, and you suffer enough.
    Keep fighting <3