Saturday, 8 October 2011

He loves me, he loves me not

I had a really awful night, lots of flashbacks about the last time I had sex with my ex. It was awful. He knew all about what happened to me when I was 17, we didn't talk about it but he definately knew, I am only starting to look back and realise what a dysfunctional relationship it was. All my friends told me to ditch him but I judt didn't see it. The last time we had sex was awful, I was upset and crying all the way through and he didn't stop, he got really rough and pushed me onto my stomach, I was crying the whole time from pain and fear and he just didn't stop... After than I refused to sleep with him, to even let him touch me, and he started doing big drama things like walking out of the middle of a party and ultimately leaving me in the middle of a festival in Budapest. The reason he gave was that it was because I was being selfish and not letting him get near me... I ended it after that but I should have ended up way before then. He indulged my drinking, my eating disorder, there were the dramas, and the last time we had sex, the last time I had sex with anyone. Since then I have been too scared. Why do people not stop when I ask them? Am I really that much of a pushover. It's like my feelings don't matter. Like what I want to happen and not happen to my body doesn't matter.

I don't want to think about this shit, I want to forget, I don't want to deal with this on top of dealing with everything else. No should be enough. Crying should be enough. Saying I don't want to should be enough. But it never is. Never.

I hate my body.

1 comment:

  1. Why blame your body?
    It is a rhetorical question...
    You did nothing wrong and your body was only the shell of what happened.
    You are your body, your body is you, and neither did anything wrong.
    Not now, not ever <3