This is the first time I've ever spoken about this. I don't know why it's suddenly on my mind.
I was sexually abused in primary school and I don't feel anything about it. I'm numb to it. It was just playing. Just games. I'm not angry, how can I be angry at a child? I do wonder if it made me who I am today. If it's what made me so scared of sex. I have NEVER had sex without the influence of drugs or booze. I can't conceive of a time where that would change. Right now I don't want to ever have sex again. I'm scared that what happened to me as a child is what made me the perfect person to get raped years later. That I give out some kind of signal. That I'm easy. That I'm drugged and stupid and can't fight back. That I can't say no. I have never been able to say no. Even when I've wanted to. I've danced around it. Said things like 'what about x' or 'I don't want to be doing this' but they have always carried on, I've always been ignored, I've been pressured into having sex, I've been drugged and dissociated, I've been abused by people who only minutes before were looking after me.
I pretend that I'm to blame because it's easier, I say it was my fault because then I have some control over it. People blame me. People don't believe me. I don't believe me. I don't trust my own mind. I don't trust my own memories. All I know is that I hate sex, I never want to have sex again and every time I think about it I want to cry and scream and freak out.
It was my fault. I was always broken.