I realised today that I am terrified of my anorexia returning, and that it has a big part to play in my current relationship with food, in that I eat too much of the wrong thing because I feel like it might be the last chance to have it, that all or nothing feeling, I'm in the all phase right now but I want to get that under control, I don't want it to be a phase, I want to eat more healthily and lose some of this excess weight in the right way. But that fear of being sick again, of losing the weight and still hating my body and myself, of depriving myself of the comfort that eating gives me... I know I am stll disordered but I'm not anorexic, and I live in a kind of fear of becoming anorexic again. It's the last thing that I want. It truly is. If I start to lose weight will it trigger it. If I don't eat something that I want to eat will it trigger it. If I say no to a meal out or a dessert or wanting to eat cake instead of a proper dinner will it trigger it.
I'm in a vulnerable place right now. I'm probably quitting university. I'm living back with my parents. My future isn't really something that I have even the vaguest idea about. This is when the anorexia could kick in. That feeling of power and purpose. I overeat, or eat crap instead of real food, because I am terrified that saying no to anything will be the start of that Hell returning. Of tests and poking and measuring and appointments and meal plans and fear and anger and resentment and hospitals and Ensures and endless, endless numbers.
I have too much to lose. It would kill me if there was a next time, I am sure of it.