Hit and run

I had my CPN handover earlier and now I'm officially a Leicester patient. Yaaay! No more dealing with the team back home! It was pretty anti-climatic really, nothing happened, I just had to give the m my new address and that was that. There seems to be no real plan of action right now...

I'm stressing over uni, I've missed a week now, whether I quit or keep going, I just don't know, what to do for the best, I don't want to get really unwell again, everything is so complicated though, accomdation and finance and stuff that's a real headfuck but you can't ignore. I'm going to try and go back in on Monday and give it another shot...

I want to come off Mirtazapine. I don't feel like it's working as well for me as it has been and the weight gain and appetite increase are really starting to effect me. I'm medically obese. I'm not sure what else there is out there in terms of antidepressents. I'm on Paroxetine at the minute as well but it doesn't do anything for my mood, majorly helps with the OCD 'moments' though. Seroquel which I've been on for years, it does exactly what it says on the tin most of the time, more sleep, less anxiety, less thoughts and noises. Lamictal which stops me from being all impulsive and erratic and Borderline and the Haloperidol that kills the bugs. Maybe it's the combination of all that that's making my mood crash, but I'm betting it's more likely to be a circumstantial starting uni leaving home type thing... But I would like to change the Mirtazapine around anyway, even if just to sort out the weight (14lbs +) I've gained on it. Going back on Duloxetine would be nice, or maybe even Venlafaxine, or something new....

I rang the psychaitrist's secretary to try and bring my appointment forwards but there are no spaces. I have to wait till 4th November, she's a new consultant, and a she which I am thrilled about. I have an appointment with the GP next week though for a med review and I may ask her what she thinks about changing antidepressents, at least I get to touch base with someone. I feel like I need some kind of structured therapy right now, I am being refered to the personality disorder services so maybe that's why I haven't been offered a psychologist or something like that, I don't know, there are just so many things going round in my head that I'm drowning into, and I don't want that, I want to be able to swim through them or around them or under them.

I don't understand why the flashbacks and nightmares are worse, unless it's knowing that counselling it's virtually finished without the whole thing really be resolved or 'cured', the wound's still bleeding (ha) metaphorically speaking. I can talk about it and write about it now without falling apart, which I know is a huge step, but I still find it so difficult and the feelings of self-blame and guilt and denial are still really intense.