Saturday, 29 October 2011

Lost in the supermarket

I saw someone in town that looked like him. For half a minute I was convinced that it was him. The fear. The panic. The numbness. The memories. Waiting for the flashbacks. The nightmares to kick back in. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting... The feelings start somewhere towards to floor and rise up until they're clinging around my throat, making it hard to breathe, to swallow, to speak.

I have been struggling with anger recently. Feeling so angry at him. At myself for letting it happen. For not being heard. For not being strong enough to stop it. Maybe it's something that's wrong with me. Something damaged inside. Something that gave out the wrong signals. Something I did or didn't do. Something I said or didn't say.

I want to confront him. I want to make him understand. I want to feel like there is someone else in this memory, that it's not all just me. I want to believe that what he did was wrong and I want him to admit it because if he doesn't realise, then I don't think I can move on. I want to survive, and I am, but it's not enough, I want *more*, I want closure, I want revenge (kind of), I want to be told that it wasn't my fault, that he knew what he was doing and knew that it was wrong. I want the life I imagine that he has. I want the world to be on my side and not his. I feel so guilty feeling like this. I mean, really, what would it change? What would it take to make anything change? I could forgive him and move on but I'm not sure I can do that, so instead I want some kind of absolution from him, for him just to say I'm sorry, I was drunk, I made a mistake, he made a mistake... Is it just that, a mistake, is rape just a mistake? If he was drunk and I was drunk is there really anything wrong with that?

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