Show your wounds I'm bored with mine

And the tears fall like rain
Down my face again
All the words you wouldn't say
And the games you played
With my unfoolish heart
Oh I should have known this from the start

Oh the winter and spring
Going hand in hand
Just like my love and pain
How the thought of you cuts deep within the vein
Brand new skin stretched across scared terrain

I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live that life again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road
So I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live my lies again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road

Oh..

All those years down the drain
Love was not enough when you want everything
What I gave to you and now the end must start
Oh I should have listened to my heart

'Cause I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live that life again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road
So I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live my lies again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road

Oh...

I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live that life again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road
So I don't wanna be let down
I don't wanna live my lies again
Don't wanna be lead down the same old road

"Let Down" by Linkin Park

I am still at the crisis house but I have to leave on Wednesday, on the same day my Mum goes in hospital for an operation.

It's these sudden and random impulses to die that I can't understand. In all honesty, I am not suicidal, but at the same time something in my head whispers die in my ear, jump in front of a train, sit in the road, run away... Moments when getting from here to then feels like such an unbearable amount of time that I can't see a way of moving through it...

I keep losing minutes of time, blanking in the middle of conversations, reading the same page of a book five times...

At times the anxiety feels like a living, breathing thing that lives inside of me that is desperate to get out. I can literally feel hands reaching up my throat and at times I gag and retch...

Sometimes I feel like I'm dreaming when I'm awake, sometimes I feel like I'm awake when I'm dreaming...

My anger terrifies me. It is too much. I hate the knowledge that I can lash out, that I can go from having a chat with someone to climbing the walls and screaming and shouting at them so easily...

I want to stop seeing my Mum dead everytime I close my eyes or hearing the news that she's dead in my ears...

I want to get back to uni. I want to write again, be surronded by people, have a place and a purpose...

I want time to go backwards...

I don't want to deal...

I want to get on with the rest of my fucking life...

I am all of these things all of the time and it's making my brain burn.

In the last couple of days I have made contact with a counseller in Leicester that is experianced in a lot of the area's I would like support in (trauma/rape/self-harm/anxiety/depression/eating disorders) I really feel like having access to something that isn't to do with the mental health/crisis teams/BPD and something that I've chosen to do for myself.

The only thing is now I've mentioned about things in the emails to this woman I am scared that I will freeze up when I meet her. Or that the mental health teams will somehow get wind of what I am doing and I'll get into trouble. I'm also worried about paying £40 a session whilst being on a student loan.