Friday, 11 June 2010

Can't stop growing old

So, apparantly, I'm 23...

I don't feel like it, I feel like a child half the time and an old, old lady the rest. My anxieties and fears are incredibly childlike, my thinking goes completely magical (if I do this then this won't happen, I NEED to do that so something bad won't happen etc etc) and the opposite of that I guess is the giddy excitement that certain things bring me, yet I feel like I have age in my heart. So many people close to me have died or left me or betrayed me or just plain got sick of me. I am on a constant edge of fear and loneliness.

It's been a decade since I started to develop problems with food, it has probably been longer as I am only just becoming aware of how my childhood affected me and possibly caused the weight gain I experianced. I have hated my body forever.

Yesterday, we went out for a meal. On my eighteenth birthday, five years ago, we did the same thing. Being in the grip of anorexia I only ate a salad. Something in me yesterday wanted to prove something, to show that I am not that person now, I am not that stress and worry for my parents. I ate a whole meal and half of a dessert. I wanted to purge, but I didn't. I came home and went swimming. An extra half a kilometre to ease the anxiety that the meal left me with. To undo any possible damage to my diet.

A part of me is still that person, a part of me always will be, and maybe that's why I feel like a child half of the time, because I was only a child when I started to deprive myself, judge myself, focus on food and weight and not the 'real world'. My personality never developed past that point.


  1. But Em, this is why you needed to not go swimming.
    Normal people who diet don't feel that guilt in the way you are.
    You feel it because you are Anorexic again.
    And yes, please kick the ass that caused you to struggle on your 18th.
    And Em, you have been like this so so long. That is why you need to get well.
    To stop this, before you descend into further madness.
    If you are not already there right now. Which to me it sounds like you are.


  2. It takes a person of a certain disposition to feel completely alone and fearful at 23. You have a problem (anorexia) compounded by another (depression) compounded by the basic insecurities we all face, on one level or another, about our self image. I have no words of sage advice other than "keep going." You're going in a sort of right direction, but, as your friend has already said, you need to "get well" at any cost necessary.