Sunday, 27 June 2010

When nothing works, just living hurts

I overdosed again last night but this time I didn't go to the hospital, I wanted to die.

I went through the motions, telling everyone I loved them and was sorry, but luckily I have some awesome, amazing, incredible friends who called the police and they came and got me. I lied to them, told them that I changed my mind and hadn't OD'ed. I wound up in Leicester station walking around aimlessly not knowing where I was or what I was doing. I was going to go up to my friend in Newcastle but I didn't have enough money for the ticket... I had to come home. The police came round this morning to make srue I was okay. I am okay, well I am alive and that's all that matters I guess.

I feel stupid. I don't feel like I did yesterday. I am glad that I didn't die.

But I don't know where I go from here. Well, I do, I go to see the shrink on Tuesday and have to explain everything. THe ditachment, flashbacks, anxiety, hallucinations, noise... But I don't know what happens after that.

I wish the summer didn't exist. I wish the memories didn't exist. I wish I could just sleep through the enture thing and wake up, ready to go back to uni and feel good again.

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