"I live in a world where two truths coexist: where both hell and hope lie in the palm of my hand"
- Alice Sebold
- Alice Sebold
I have just finished reading 'Lucky' by Alice Sebold and I'm in tears. I just can't comprehend how strong and amazing and damn determinded some individuals are. I felt angry at her friend Lila for leaving her, for me that would hurt more than anything, sometimes it's people's reactions to things that hurt more than the events themselves.
Like when my Dad said 'well, you were drunk, so what' the first time I ever tried to approach the issue of my own rape with my parents. I KNOW that they really don't give a shit, and it hurts like fucking Hell.
I also know that's so many other people's reaction if I were to divulge the 'hard facts' as Sebold calls them.
He was your on/off boyfriend.
You'd been drinking.
You were staying at his house.
Etc etc etc
They all just point the blame firmly at my feet.
Sometimes I wish more than anything that I had got attacked in the way Sebold was. A stranger in a park. Acceptence, blame, progress, all that shit would be so much easier. She didn't know him, didn't love him, didn't trust him... I lost all that and I can't get it back. My last relationship was a complete disaster partly because it fell back into the same old destructive ways, partly because I just didn't love or trust him.
And maybe I don't deserve to be loved or trusted in return.
How do I save myself when I don't even believe, or have that grit and determination and outrage... I just have regrets and unanswered questions and guilt.