Sunday, 6 June 2010

If I'm honest with you, will you be honest with me?

"To conquer oneself is the best and noblest victory; to be vanquished by one's own nature is the worst and most ignoble defeat."
- Plato

Okay, so I don't really know how to go about writing what I need to write, this might be a bit fractured and not make a lot of sense.

About a week ago I weighed myself in Boots, I had a BMI of 28.5 and decided that I couldn't carry on like that. I couldn't keep pretending that I didn't care about being on the heavy side, I didn't care that I was overweight, drinking like a fish and eating (binging) constantly.

I started going swimming and eating around 1500 calories a day, if I ate under 1200 I would force myself to have an extra bowl of cereal or some toast. I felt confident in my ability to be healthy and sensible, even though the voice of anorexia was there, telling me I wasn't doing enough, I ignored it.

I lost 6lbs in a week and felt elated, then horrible because I was still overweight. I know, it's stupid, it's irrational, that it takes time to lose weight in a healthy way and that it was never going to happen in a week but still, that voice, was there.

I am getting the fear from the silliest, little things.

If I don't swim 1k a day I feel guilty as Hell and like I am going to get fatter just through missing one day of exercise.

If someone offers me something to eat I get angry, I snap at them like I used too because I think they are trying to sabbotage my efforts of dieting.

Thankfully, I do KNOW that those thoughts are wrong and I try as much as possible to ignore them but the fact that they are there and that they still linger really, really depresses me.

I want to be normal. I want to lose the weight so that I can be NORMAL. I am tired of eating chaotically and disorderly, too much and too little. I am doing this to try and escape the very idea of having an eating disorder. I don't want the indentity anymore.

But the face that I still have those anorexic voices and that I have to make a real effort to challenge them, that sometimes they seem almost rational and reasonable for a split second. It's like, how do I get away from it?

I want to leave my eating disorder behind me, but I am not prepared to stay at this weight.

I trust myself not to go crazy, to not slip, to not fall back into that pit, but is that trust itself a delusion?

1 comment:

  1. You want me to be honest?!
    And I tried to comment on the post you made the other days about the weight and swimming and it wouldn't post and I had to get out.
    That was a lot of "and" ;)

    One of the horrible things about recovery and getting well (alongside a million other things) is the acceptance that you will never be able to diet. That you will always have to watch yourself (to not eat too much, not eat too little, not exercise too much, not weigh yourself too much)
    It means that because you have had this disorder, you cannot operate in the way so many of your friends can.
    That you cannot go on a diet, or try to work yourself into a frenzy to just fit in that summer dress.
    You have a choice here Emma. You are seeing what is happening, and you can either keep going, or you can address it now.
    Because this will just get harder.
    And harder.
    And harder.
    Not easier.
    That even in a few more pounds, few more km's swam, that the ED will start to root itself into you, wrap its fucking awfulness around you and then, spit you out.
    I am not saying that you are healthy or not. Weight cannot define that.
    As I see it, if this is not your natural weight (and it should be lower) if you eat normally, maybe swim a couple of times a week, not drink so much. That the weight will come off naturally.
    But weighing yourself, going swimming everyday, restricting your intake (although this may not be eating disordered to a person without an eating disorder) for you, it is.
    Seeing the GP, talking this through, seeing if you can see a nutritionist, yes.
    Doing this yourself, with your own fucked up eating disordered head, no.
    It will never work.
    You need to really consider this before you get any deeper.
    And a with Alice, tumble down the rabbit hole.
    And if part of you longs for the anorexia, the weight loss, you will be in this cycle for the rest of your life.
    Your choice.
    Your choice xxxxxx