Sunday 6 June 2010

If I'm honest with you, will you be honest with me?


"To conquer oneself is the best and noblest victory; to be vanquished by one's own nature is the worst and most ignoble defeat."
- Plato

Okay, so I don't really know how to go about writing what I need to write, this might be a bit fractured and not make a lot of sense.

About a week ago I weighed myself in Boots, I had a BMI of 28.5 and decided that I couldn't carry on like that. I couldn't keep pretending that I didn't care about being on the heavy side, I didn't care that I was overweight, drinking like a fish and eating (binging) constantly.

I started going swimming and eating around 1500 calories a day, if I ate under 1200 I would force myself to have an extra bowl of cereal or some toast. I felt confident in my ability to be healthy and sensible, even though the voice of anorexia was there, telling me I wasn't doing enough, I ignored it.

I lost 6lbs in a week and felt elated, then horrible because I was still overweight. I know, it's stupid, it's irrational, that it takes time to lose weight in a healthy way and that it was never going to happen in a week but still, that voice, was there.

I am getting the fear from the silliest, little things.

If I don't swim 1k a day I feel guilty as Hell and like I am going to get fatter just through missing one day of exercise.

If someone offers me something to eat I get angry, I snap at them like I used too because I think they are trying to sabbotage my efforts of dieting.

Thankfully, I do KNOW that those thoughts are wrong and I try as much as possible to ignore them but the fact that they are there and that they still linger really, really depresses me.

I want to be normal. I want to lose the weight so that I can be NORMAL. I am tired of eating chaotically and disorderly, too much and too little. I am doing this to try and escape the very idea of having an eating disorder. I don't want the indentity anymore.

But the face that I still have those anorexic voices and that I have to make a real effort to challenge them, that sometimes they seem almost rational and reasonable for a split second. It's like, how do I get away from it?

I want to leave my eating disorder behind me, but I am not prepared to stay at this weight.

I trust myself not to go crazy, to not slip, to not fall back into that pit, but is that trust itself a delusion?

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