"I knew that I had come face to face with someone whose mere personality was so fascinating that, if I allowed it to do so, it would absorb my whole nature, my whole soul, my very art itself."
- Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray
I spent a lot of last night looking through my livejournal and trying to pick apart moments and place them to actual memories that I have. For most of them I couldn't do it. I just physically could not remember the events. I don't know if it's because memory is not an essential bodily function, and so if your body starts to shut down, it stops rememebring things, or if it's like trauma and it just shuts itself away from it.
A part of me thinks that if I could remember it in vivid detail then it would be enough to drown out all the voices, if I could remember the scenes of horror that I wrote at the time then surely I would run as fast as possible in the other direction.
But it doesn't work like that, and my brain doesn't work like that.
Another huge row, Mum finally admitted how verbally abusive her Dad was towards me when I was a kid, constantly bullying me about my weight and calling me fat, fat, FAAAAAAAAT! Then I try to tell her that her recent three stone weight loss has triggered up drama for me but she just refuses to get it. Then she says that she thinks I've been misdiagnonsed (despite the fact that I do have most BPD traits/behaviours) and reckons that I've got Bipolar coz the way she sees it I'm always either high or down. Surely if I had anything as serious as that they would have picked it up by now?
But then again, they never picked up on my obbsessive-compulsive traits, the fact that I would sit there and be counting words in my head, gotta end in a five or a zero , that I have to go round switching off plugs or else I feel like my heart will explode from the anxiety. The way that I swim, same locker, same changing room, same routine of ten laps breststroke, ten laps mixed, repeat...
Everything is so fucking uncertain right now. I've gone from having no routine whatsoever, to being at uni, to going back to nothing again. I'm looking for a job but there's so little out there at the minute. I'll be better once I know for sure that I've passed first year and got into second, everything will feel less intense then.
I know how easy it is to get lost in numbers, compulsions, obsessions...
ReplyDeleteAs I always say, you have a choice.
I an see how your mum can be a huge trigger and I am sorry you were exposed to such cruelty as a child.
Emma, you need to get you well because you deserve to be well.
Break away from labels and what you "are"
To looking at the fact you are Emma.
There is no one in the whole wide world like you. That is how unique you are.
Break out.
Set yourself free.
It is so beautiful once you let yourself breath xxxxxxxxxxx