Wednesday, 2 June 2010

The rest of the world lives to eat, while I eat to live.

"The tragedy in life doesn't lie in not reaching your goal. The tragedy lies in having no goal to reach."
- Benjamin Mays

I hate these feelings, this vulnerability, this nagging fucking voice! YOU ARE NOT DOING ENOUGH! It's nonsense, it's stupid, I am doing enough, my intake and my exercise are all perfectly normal for someone who is on a diet. I AM ON A DIET. I am not on a mission to starve myself to death. Just get with the fucking programme, brain! ANY weight loss is good enough, is a success, it doesn't have to be that magic number you want to see tomorrow that you can't even admit to in serious honesty for you to have done well.

You haven't binged, you haven't purged, and you haven't restricted.

You should be so damn proud of yourself for that. You should be proud that you haven't self-harmed since last Thursday. Proud that you are doing something about your weight in an appropriate and healthy way. Proud that you are resisting and fighting every God damn anorexic and bulimic thought that crosses your mind.

But you're not, are you?

You'll only be proud if you get on the scales tomorrow and it turns out you've lost as much as you think is good. I need the strength to fight that thought because I know that it's anorexic, I know that it's wrong, I know that I am expecting too much of my body.

I fucking know all of this but the voice is still there. Maybe the voice will always be there when it comes down to it, my ED did indeed start of as a diet and turn into something else. This is my number one triggering situation in a way.

If only it was as simple as being too fat, being overweight and just going on a diet. Eating less and moving more. Why can't I feel like every other dieter out there?

Why do the voices linger when the disease is gone?


  1. Because you have an Eating Disorder Em, and that is why you quite possibly will never be able to diet (like others) because of that vulnerability.
    Just be careful xxxx

  2. How sad. That's all I have to say about that last comment. It seems so... cynical.
    There's no limit on what we're capable of doing. Only limits on what we THINK we're capable of doing. Don't let anyone tell you you Can't Do It because it's bullshit.
    Good luck, Emma. <3