Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Have you heard the news that you're dead?

I wound up in A&E Monday night, can't really remember much of it but they kept me in over night. Despite the inevitable drowsiness that comes with taking a massive amount of Valium and half a bottle of vodka I was physically fine, like every other time I've OD'd, they keep me in and then let me go. And, as always, afterwards I feel fine, better, like I have more energy and can deal with everything again. I'm not quite sure how that works out...

Right now, I couldn't even tell you what triggered it... Maybe the fact that I was hallucinating again, maybe the fact that the anxiety was getting unbearable, maybe the intesity of the memories, not just remember, but feeling it too.. Or maybe it was the whole thing about feeling that my eating disorder was being enabled and even encouraged...

I still don't understand the way these professionals work and how they just let you go but I guess I do understand it, the first thing they said was that I had a diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, and as always after those three words are mentioned, people stop giving a shit and think everything's your fault.

The memories are still hurting but I haven't got the strength to work through them.

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