Thursday, 17 June 2010

This means nothing to me. This means nothing so spare me the lies.

"There is nothing to me.
There is nothing though there was a time
I had felt elation before all sensation died.

I cannot breathe.
I can't deny that I've been feigning,
for you, every vital sign defied.

This means nothing to me.
This means nothing so spare me the lies.
I deny you sympathy just as I have been denied.

I cannot breathe.
I can't deny that I've been faking,
for you, every sign of life.

I died for the last lie,
and the heartbreak for the first time,
I could not take til I made you cry.

This is what you taught me.
This is what you taught - and I learned well -
to recognize that feeling easily can be dispelled.

Show your wounds I'm bored with mine.
Nothing is new.
Don't despair I rarely cry.

Oh my dear please dry your eyes.
Who could harm you?
To hurt you is to be despised, as I'd love to."

- 'Okay, I Feel Better Now' by AFI

I have just about had enough of this bullshit... I got into trouble for not ringing in to DBT for the homework even though I have explain a million times that when things aren't going too well I get this kind of pyschotic relationship with phones and find it impossible to make calls because of the SPIES!!!

Yesterday I hallucinated for the first time in forever, I am still quite convinced that there is a dead man who's gased himself in the car down the road.

And apparantly, my eating issues are just another part of this borderline bollocks.

My exercise routine is GOOD GOOD GOOD apparantly because that's what 'depressed people' need, to get more fucking exercise.

Surrfice to say, I feel like absolute shit right now, like nobody is listening...

Carol reckons I've made a radical transformation, that's me, the fucking definition of mental health recovery success stories, just because I didn't bale out on uni like everyone thought I would, doesn't really mean fuck all.

I don't give up the things that I love and want for anything, that's all that's about, being fucking stubborn as Hell.

Oh well, I guess right now I'm just 'acting out' or something, I cannot stand another year of this bollocks and my problems not being addressed or taken seriously.

If it's gonna be like that then I'll just disengage from fucking everything and live life my way.


  1. A very smart person once told me that you can't expect anything from anyone outside of who that person is. If you do, you'll only be let down. If they aren't listening, find someone who will - a professional or a dear friend, but don't expect people to listen who have a history of doing just the opposite. You'll only drive yourself nutter-ville.

  2. Emma, I don't think me getting angry here will help you, and so please don't feel like I am being critical.
    I have been there, I have been told everything is me being borderline - the anorexia, the self harm, the depression, the psychosis. And that no medication would work, and I received a tonne of mixed messages and I never felt listened to.
    I see that this is what is happening to you, and my only advice, is to calm down, and try to write a letter of sorts. To try to present how you are feeling, and articulate it in a way that doesn't come across as attacking.
    They need to know how you are feeling, and how this feels to you.
    My struggle, is that most people who work with patients with BPD, actually are clueless to how to treat, talk to, handle, those who have BPD.
    BPD leaves us feeling incredibly isolated and can mean we feel totally abandoned.
    There is this idea that those with BPD need clear boundaries, and whilst I strongly agree with this, there are ways and means.
    The psychosis is a worry, a big worry, and medication might be the only thing that can help that.
    What all of this neglects, is you as a person.
    The whole reason I have been able to work with Jaya is because she treats me as me.
    You need to explain that this is causing you so much struggle.
    Amanda suffers with BPD, and I have been at the receiving end of anger/threats/abuse. I have see how services have made things worse, and yet, done little wrong.
    BUT what matters is how you are left feeling, regardless of what is seen as having happened or not happening.
    If this treatment is triggering you, more than helping, you need to really consider this.
    Please try to stay safe Emma xxx