Friday, 25 June 2010

Money money money

So I OD'ed Monday night, got let out the next day (oh hai, BPD!) and since then I am so fucking impulsive, all over the place, I can't stop spending... I have spent my entire student overdraft in the space between then and now. I don't even need this stuff, I just can't stop it. It's like instead of filling myself up with food (which is what I would usually do if I were not on a diet) I'm filling myself up with material things...


I'm a fucking left on socialist and passionately so, I hate materialism, consumer whores, all that shit. I am not the kind of person who buys millions of clothes. I'm a charity shop whore and I am careful with money and always have been. Okay, so I save up money to go on tour with bands but that's my 'holiday time' and I've sacrificed loads of over shit to be able to do that in the past. But apart from that, I'm pretty low key. The last couple of days though I've been like RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH must have stuff must have stuff must have stuff spend spend spend...

I thought things were supposed to be calm post overdose?

I need this to stop but I'm scared that if I do, I'll binge or hoard pills of do something else destructive. Even though this is destructive because I am going to end up broke and unhappy that I can't do the things I love (ie gigs) because I've been a fucking idiot for three days.

I feel so fucking guilty and like I have gone again everything that was solid and secure in my life, my beliefs, my passions. I don't like it and yet, I get a buzz from it. I never understood how people could get addicted to shopping before but I kind of do now.

I just want my brain to get back on the level but that's not going to happen, flashbacks and nightmares and voices, it's in chaos and I can't switch it off!

1 comment:

  1. Emma, I think being home has triggered this,
    Are your folks aware of how severe things are?
    Could you go stay with your sister?
    Somewhere a little more, well, nurturing? xxx