Wednesday, 23 June 2010

Nothing is ever certain

"Each time I told my story, I lost a bit, the smallest drop of pain. It was that day that I knew I wanted to tell the story of my family. Because horror on Earth is real and it is every day. It is like a flower or like the sun; it cannot be contained."
- Alice Sebold

Being single is killing me right now. I need to fall asleep with someone I feel safe with, wake up with someone who is actually glad that I didn't die during the night. Someone to call me on my shit, to tell me the truth until I believe it. I have friends whom I love, who do put up with my endless amount of crap, but it's not the same and I don't want to alienate them, be a burden on them.

Who the Hell would want me, though?

Someone started chatting me up in the swimming pool and I completely freaked out and stayed in there an extra half hour just so I could be extra sure that he wasn't around. I walked the long way to the bus station rather than walk through the shortcut I've used my whole life. I rang my Dad and got him to pick me up when I got off the bus... That fear is so real, so intense...

I need closeness but I can't stand anyone touching me except a few very select people. I have to jam my door shut and make sure my windows are shut no matter how boiling hot it gets. I'm scared to go to the bathroom by myself once it's dark, in the dark I see figures. I can't sleep in silence. I can't stand silence. Every horrible thing that has ever been said to me whirls around my head and I feel everything so much deeper than just memories, it's like I can feel them on my body...

It's the calm after the storm but the storm hasn't died, it just rages on and on and on.

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